One YEAR in . . . Why don’t I feel like celebrating??

My blog is one year old. I received a notification in late November. 

I should know the exact date but I am horrible at remembering those type of things.

The day I received the notification I felt proud to have been blogging for a year.

I felt proud of how how much I’d grown as a writer; confidence-wise and honesty-wise.

I know that this milestone was something to be proud of and yet it was anti-climactic.

Being honest, I didn’t have much energy for my blog.

Yes, I have been busy. I’d had conference and meetings and doctors appointments – and even a procedure – but I could have figured in the time to write.

I didn’t though.

I didn’t celebrate the anniversary.

I didn’t even keep on my blog writing schedule . . .

I thought today I’d explore that.

Why did I let such an amazing milestone pass????

I think some of it was disappointment that I hadn’t had my transplant yet. (I’m not even 100% sure I am back on the transplant list yet, to be honest.)

When I started this blog journey, in 2012, I had speculated I would have my transplant by now. By November 2013.

I called the blog a “one year count-down to my transplant” even. I was so confident.

So where am I now – with relation to my kidney transplant?

Last week I went to St. Michael’s in Toronto and had a scan so the surgeon can map out where to put my new kidney.

I also met with the anesthesiologist would will take care of me during the operation.

These are both great signs and markers that I am on track but . . . I still don’t have the official word that I am back on the transplant list now or not.

I could get in touch with my pre-transplant team and call and ask them for the specific word. But something is holding me back from doing that.

I’m in a mind-set where I’m not sure if knowing that detail will make a difference to me?

I thought it would. I thought it would be the flag that let me know I was on my last lap but I’m not so sure, anymore.

I kind of feel like a runner who just has to keep one foot in front of the other, and almost ignore all else, in order to complete the race.

(Me and my analogies!! LOL!)

I wouldn’t say I’m in a bad place – please don’t think that.

I think I’ve just been forced to make peace with the state of things.

The unexpected delays in this process have knocked the confidence out of me. I realize my situation is beyond speculating a date or time anymore.

I must just wait.

And I really have made peace with that.

In the last month since I met with my transplant doctor there have been cancer investigations. Tests to make sure my body would safely receive the new kidney, etc.

Luckily everything has worked out well. No cancer. Positive tests. (Thank GOD.)

But . . . these delays have reminded me of who is in the driver seat right now.

Yes, I can speculate and hope and dream of when I will get my kidney (even IF I get my kidney) but ultimately God decides.

I’m going to move forward with a healthy dose of humility.

I need to approach this amazing possibility of a kidney transplant with a sense of both peace and patience. 

Peace because there is nothing I can do about the timing of this transplant. 

Patience because I could wait a week or a year . . . I could wait two years. 

I am going to control the factors in this situation that I have power to control:

  • sticking to my gym schedule so I am strong and healthy when I get the call
  • sticking to my aggressive dialysis schedule (no less than 20 hours a week) so I am healthy when I get the call
  • keep working on my life goals so that this time is constructive and meaningful

Please stay with me, here, as I share my honest observations and progress and musings to my transplant date (whenever that happens) . . . and beyond.

Please know that I am not disheartened or sad.

I feel enrobed in a peace and a level of patience that will carry me through to the day I get that phone call to get to St. Mike’s for my kidney.

In the meantime, let’s take a moment to celebrate my blog’s first birthday.

Image

 

Here’s to the appreciation that I am not where I expected to be right now – in relation to my transplant – but I’m where I am meant to be.

Cheers!!!!!!

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