A song by a band called, Crowded House is in my head. (I am really showing my age bringing up a band that I’m sure not a lot of people remember – or have heard of. LOL!)
So the song the lyric is, “Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you.” I don’t remember much else but those words keep playing over and over in my head.
It reminds me of my past when I moved from place to place looking for happiness in experiences, jobs, relationships, etc. I was always seeking.
And when things went wrong I simply up and moved . . . believing that the next place or experience was going to give me that happiness I was seeking.
In my life, my health crisis actually broke me of that pattern.
If I had not had kidney failure again – after the failure of my last transplanted kidney – I might still be roaming the world looking for my dream job, dream man, dream situation, dream home, etc.
In that way, I have to be so thankful to spirit/universe for stopping me abruptly in my tracks. I was not getting anywhere in that pattern and it may have taken me decades before I learned that lesson outside of now being in Kingston and being forced to deal with my health.
The lesson didn’t come quickly though. It was a difficult mind shift.
First, I had a lot of resentment and anger towards Kingston.
I’ve always felt a sense of being “different” here.
I was never able to relax in my own skin.
I experienced a lot of racism in this city as a child.
I held on to a lot of sad memories about being one of the few minorities in a predominantly white environment.
I also had problems as I transitioned from larger cities like New York City, or Montreal or Atlanta, Georgia to being back in Kingston. I was used to having access to a lot of culture and different types of food and a different general attitudes towards life and attitudes towards diversity.
For example, in New York City almost everyone I met was working towards a phenomenal goal. Either they were born there and immersed in that “working on my goals” energy or they were people who moved to NYC to immerse themselves, in that energy, to seek their highest good. There is something wonderful and contagious and cumulatively brave about NYC and I loved living there.
So what changed?
I am in Kingston now. Pursuing some amazing goals. Enjoying my day-to-day life. Meeting amazing and inspiring people here. Doing dialysis and meditating and exercising – to find balance.
I am loving my life.
I think I finally learned (and am learning) to “take the weather with me”.
Weather-wise I have chosen “happy”. And everyday I learn more and more of what makes me happy. I work to cultivate this happiness.
Books I’m reading.
Experiences with amazing friends and family.
My personal spiritual journey – including practices I am committed to.
The roller coaster of being alive – sadness, happiness, frustration, joy.
If I can be happy in Kingston, a place I felt rejected by. A place that holds difficult memories of losing my Mom and my little brother. A place where I don’t see myself represented or reflected in the demographic too often . . .
THEN I CAN BE HAPPY ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!!!
Using an analogy (you know me) – finding joy and happiness (and peace) in Kingston is like going home to a mother who you didn’t believe loved you but making peace with that. (Either loving her (and yourself) despite the situation or putting less power in wanting that love.)
Either way the most painful place has lost it’s power over me. Because my power – the weather I am cultivating and surrounding myself with – is stronger and brighter than anything negative that could possibly challenge it.
I am so excited to travel now. To live in or visit other places. To see the world!
In a reversal of ideas I’ve decided that no matter what, Kingston will be my home base. I have a lot of love here – family and friends. I have peace here. I was born here.
And when I decide to spend parts of my life in places other than Kingston it can be for the right reasons. I am not leaving here to seek happiness elsewhere. I will not be running from a bad situation or unhappiness that I imagine is tied to some place.
I will be experiencing the world with my own “weather” about me. Think of Pigpen from Charlie Brown surrounded by a calm, sunny beam of happiness instead of his gray/brown cloud of dust.