Particularly tough week.
Medical things felt incomplete.
I was exhausted of dialysis – physically and emotionally. Dreading dialysis as a “thing” I had to do.
Professionally, I had stepped out on faith . . . with no net appearing. *crickets* (I always think of the expression, “leap and the net will appear”).
I asked for reassurance.
I asked for strength and perseverance.
I asked for signs that I was on track – professionally.
In very beautiful, quick and resounding motions universe responded to my prayer.
(I might be using the word prayer a little liberally here. It was more of a plea to know more. A cry to universe for help.)
Medically there has been a huge shift this week. One of my favorite doctors advocated for me – like no one has advocated for me. He spoke on my behalf like I was his child and got me the results I needed – with a quickness. HIs actions reminded me that I didn’t only have medical rights but bigger . . . he reminded me that I am precious and deserving. (How could I forget that?)
Dialysis . . . I gave myself permission to admit that this treatment is depleting me. (Physically I am better but mentally I am wearing thin.) I spoke to the people around me who would understand and who could help me. I advocated for myself and I am getting help . . . and help is still coming. I had to be brave and admit that I needed help with this. Dialysis is hard.
Professionally. I have reached out to some corporations and non-profits to create some promotional partnerships. I basically came up with a plan, got a little advice and then reached out to these organizations. Faith incarnate! In prayer I asked for reassurance that this effort had been worth it. But instead of hearing from one of these organizations (which I assumed the reassurance would be) out of the blue I was invited to listen to a lecture from someone who had a “PhD” in building promotional partnerships. Having listened to this informative lecture I can re-approach this goal with a lot more wisdom. I hadn’t necessarily done it wrong (using my own instincts) but now with new knowledge I could refine my package and send it to the most appropriate channels.
Ask. Don’t be afraid to beg.
Be open and receptive to answers – however they manifest.
Listen to those answers.
Use those answers.
None of the answers and reassurances I received this week – since I asked for them – were coincidences.
There were even more beautiful “boosts” I had this week to give me reassurance that things are going to be okay; a wonderful meeting with my life coach. A beautiful spring drive with a friend who loves me. Yummy dinner with a friend where we ate and laughed. (Afterward I apologize for talking his ears off!).
Reassurance at every turn that things are going to be okay.
In all things all I had to do is ask.
The icing on the cake . . .
A few weeks ago a good friend asked me if I wanted to come out to the farm where her horse is boarded. We were always talking about horses and I was excited to meet her horse, Jayde.
For the past few months universe has been drawing my attention to horses. I found myself watching horse videos on YouTube for example. From my understanding there would be two benefits to being around horses; the powerful and beautiful energy of the animal itself and an opportunity to be outside in nature too. Both things held promise of being healing. Perfect timing to a tough week. And a tough moment in my life.
Yesterday after an amazing class at the gym, I drove out to the farm with my friend.
I had my mud boots on. Some old jeans and no make-up. Just me.
When we got to the farm Chrystal introduced me to all of the horses there – probably eleven or so. Four or five in a field. Eating hay and playing together. Some in stalls in a huge barn – including some stallions.
Then we walked her horse into a large indoor area of a building. From outside – where it was too muddy – to a sandy safe place for the horse to run.
She told me to stand in the middle of the pen and then she “lunged” her horse. Basically let it run around the periphery of the pen. In circles in one direction and then the another direction. Back and forth.
In the middle, watching this beautiful and powerful animal running almost full speed . . . I was overcome with emotion.
Almost a laugh/cry moment like you have on a roller coaster.
The sound of hooves. Her heavy breathing. The power of her energy in an indoor space. The smell of hay and horse. My slight dizziness of watching her go in circles.
It was beautiful. Soooooo powerful – like I was experiencing God in my midst.
The whole time at the farm I felt a sense of peace.
I helped Chrystal brush the winter coat off of Jayde. Enjoying being close to her huge size and quiet but simple mind.
I watched her “join up” with Chrystal after she’d had a good, hard run. Chrystal put her back to her and Jayde walked over and would follow her after that like a puppy.
I watched Chrystal ride her. The intimate communication of little sounds and subtle body language. It was a spiritual union. A mindfulness that both shared but achieved. A relationship.
Then it was my turn.
I got up on Jaydge (using the steps) and rode her around the pen with Chrystal leading and then eventually on my own.
My time riding Jayde reminded me of meditation. You start off with little or no connection. (And a little unsure of what the hell you’re doing!) But eventually I had moments – seconds really – of “communication” with Jayde. Using my feet and the reigns to communicate. They were amazing moments.
It will come as no surprise that I signed up for my first riding lesson for this Wednesday!!!!!!! (I am so excited.)
It’s not rationally really.
In my mind it’s an experiment.
Universe has lit up my consciousness with the idea of riding horses.
I had an opportunity to experience it . . . and found it amazing.
I am going back to see what more universe wants to show me. What I am meant to learn.
I left the farm and went on to do my Saturday afternoon errands.
A part of me enjoyed smelling like barn and horse – with hay and horse poop on my rubber boots.
Somehow it reminded me that life is beautiful.